She was given some fluid, By a randy old druid, And now she's the toast of Stonehenge!! He said "It's my fault. I am such a dolt. My legs are of different sizes! She went for a walk.
She tripped on a cork, And said: "Oh dear, I feel such a fool! When people said "Great!
I took her to watch Aston Villa. She sang to the crowd, And she sang very loud And that's why they threatened to kill her. Liverpool 16 Nov I once had a trial with Bill Shankly - At the end he just looked at me blankly. The usherette said: "Oh my God! He'll go on for years, And he's bound to sing Tears. When he finishes, give us a prod! He said: "See, I saved this! He shouted: "Who's won? I said: "You did, in the end, more or less.
But should you chance your arm, It has an alarm, And your sporran lights up and says: "Tilt! They then tossed a caber, And shouted: "Vote Labour! He gives a loud yap, That mischievious chap, Then stands up and wipes his wee bottie. Edinburgh 13 Nov There was a young man from Arbroath Who was constantly plighting his troth. To girls local and foreign He'd lift up his sporran, Then hang upside down like a sloth. He visited pubs, Where he drank out of tubs, Until it was time for his tea.
Clever Billy: And Other Freaky, Funny Limericks [W. W. Rowe, Charles A. Filius] on packdestmakhli.cf *FREE* shipping on qualifying offers. A far-out collection of. Editorial Reviews. About the Author. Charles A. Filius is an exceptional cartoonist and author. His first book, Selections from On A Wing & A Prayer (Early Jottings.
By jings, what a mess when you wake! She liked her food tinned, And so she got wind, And a raspberry from Edwina Currie. Harrogate 02 Dec That mythical creature the Sphinx Is smarter than anyone thinks. He sits there and smirks And you don't think it works, Then when you're not looking, it winks. His poor mum, Jocasta Was a walking disaster, But at least she took traveller's cheques. He was charged twenty drachmas, For removing his nachmas. Thank God they take traveller's cheques!
Unknown 30 May " By jove! I've been charged twenty drachmas, For a large plate of nachmas. So much for the Citizen's Charter. He committed a felony, With an over-ripe melon, he Subjected to disgusting abuses. Unknown 30 May d? We haven't much time, So answer in mime Oh I see, very well, same to you.
She can be crazy, but she will always be my baby. After it comes out, you just pull the trigger. Faces Go exploring Something special in the brain Fingers feeling focus Can you trust a smile? And certain bits, like the one about the ice cream man and the price of taunting less fortunate kids, will remain evergreen. I can jump on one leg while saying the alphabet backwards! They love me with all of their hearts since the start.
As the flames reached his crutch, Which he didn't like much, His voice grew higher and higher. They say: "Week after week We hit a new peak! Unknown There is an old man of Hatch End, Old watches and clocks he will mend. He paints them bright red, Then he takes them to bed; It's driving his wife round the bend!
Unknown When they raised the Titanic they found That the band had survived and not drowned. They hadn't gone far, They were still in the bar, And that is why Humph's still around. When she cries: "PTO! There are some things from which I recoil.
She loves all the stories, And votes for the Tories, They'll be coming to get her quite soon. Slim sat pickin' his nose, Lord Reith doffed his clothes, And Lana did tricks with some chickens. Buxton 21 Nov The prime of Ms.
Muriel Spark Was in Brighton one night in the dark. We wanted a few But when Auberon was two We said: 'Oh let's not have any more'. I started to swoon, When I noticed the spoon At this point, the story gets coarser. She lifted her skirt, Said: "Don't think me a flirt, It's a terribly well-trodden path. He lifts up his habit, Invites you to grab it, And then the wee tease does a bunk. He'd sit on his throne, Emit a loud groan, And nobody else would go near. He tortured the cat, Set fire to my hat, And now he's been sick in my trainers.
He fell on his sword, And shouted: "Oh Gawd! She said: "My name is Mimi, Are you pleased to see me?
Or is that the Tower of Pisa? He was very well paid for repeats.
Yeats He'd asked along several blind dates. The table was rising, It's hardly surprising, He'd cracked open a packet of Mates. On Omaha beach I enquired of this peach: "How about it? You go bald as a coot And you're covered with soot.
She had a slight lisp But her diction was crisp When she said: "Get your hand out my drawth! But my friend from the North Said: "You realithe of courthe She'th built like the thide of a houthe. She was tall, blond and lissom And loved exorcism. Dial and ask for the beast.
It's a grand thing to do As you're speeding through Crewe, And when Elsie gets on, we'll de-coke her. Now she stars in prawn movies in Deal. His nose was bright green, And mildly obscene; You should see where he's painted his frown. He switched on Sky TV, And what did he see? Derek Jameson saying "Do they mean us? Some mischievous joker, Picked up a hot poker, Which really did not entertain us.
He burst into flames, Shouted several rude names, And now he's the toast of the town. When Andrew came home, He slipped her a bone Which his Mother had meant for a curgi. It's not a thing that I care to discuss. She blew him a kiss, Said: "We've never done this In top hat, and white tie, and tails!
You'll be squashed in the rush, The compartment's a crush, And you're wedged next to Robbie Coltrane. It's deeply unpleasant, Ah - Mornington Crescent! The leg room's too small, There's no room at all, And you're wedged next to Robbie again! He oiled hs false teeth, And to his relief, He found he could talk so much butter. He said "That's so nice, But I won't do it twice, And never again is too soon.
He went over some furrows, And twelve rabbit burrows, And said "Oh! Cor blimey! That hurt! So she hid in a sack, And lay on her back: A most unsatisfactory ploy.